I have postponed making a new post because I have had nothing positive to say about anything. I have been trying to put a positive spin on just about anything I can, but it really isn't helping. Most know about Elder Worthlin's talk from Conference, "Come What May, and Love It", well I am trying. Not that I have anything serious to be negative about. I mean, my family is healthy, and my husband has a job. But I must say in my defense I am 31 weeks pregnant, miserably uncomfortable, tired, irritable, totally emotional, and a complete wreck.
I have days where the boy thing really freaks me out. I mean I already have three very active crazy boys, in which most the time, I don't know how to handle. And emotionally, this scares me to death. I think I am going to be fine with only four kids, and this is kind of a sad thought to me. I would love to have more, but there are a few other things involved. First, it isn't fair to put my poor husband, and kids through my mood swings again. Second, I know that I would have another boy, and I know that would be very hard for me. (And let me just say this, these are my feelings, and I don't say this to offend anyone, I know there are some who think I am selfish, so I am sorry. If you want to stop reading feel free.)
I have always wanted a little girl, and to see so many of my friends and family with them, it breaks my heart. Like today for example, I cut my sweet little nieces hair, and the whole time I thought "This might never be my daughter in my chair." And that breaks my heart. I am happy for all of those who have, or are having girls. I think every woman needs a daughter, just like every father needs a son. I want one more than anything in this world, and it kills me inside.
I want so badly for this to be special. I want to celebrate this more than anyone knows. But for so many, "its just another boy". And how can you feel like celebrating when it is just one more? And the saddest part is, I feel like the only person who gets it it my father. He is the only one who has made me feel like I am going to be fine. My father would have been the best dad in the world for a son, he could teach him anything, he would have been the best boy ever. But no, I am the 4th daughter. My poor dad! He never got to enjoy the sports, he never got to teach his son to hunt, and he never got to do any of the stuff he would have loved to do with a boy. He had to deal with four hormonal girls. POOR GUY! And you could take all of these feeling and reverse them, and that is me. My husband is in heaven, he just sits and smiles all day. And me, I am sad. Not that I am unhappy with my children, I am not. I love my boys, they are amazing, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But oh man would I love to have a girl too.
On another hand, I am stressed to the max. My husband, is such a great guy, and is working his tail off. He started back to college, and he works so much. I am home alone a lot! And I am very lonely. I have pushed away many of my friends, and I have done it all for them. I don't think I should put my mood on anyone. I haven't been very positive this time, and I know it is because life isn't what it is supposed to be right now. I never thought we would be here in our life, and there isn't an end in sight. The economy just keeps getting worse, and for a Real Estate agent, that is not a good thing. We have been in the crunch, it feels like, so much longer than anyone else. And I am hoping to learn so much from our time in these trials. I pray every night to grow from this and so many other things we are facing right now.
So there, aren't you glad I posted?
7 comments:
Kacey!!! I am so sorry you are having difficult time. I can relate how you feel too, but there is always hope. Don't worry about what others think...they are not in your shoes and they do not understand what you are going through. Yes they might think you are ungrateful...but I don't think that is it...they just don't understand your point of view because they have never been there. We all need to try to put ourselves in each other shoes every once in a while and maybe there would be more compassion. :) We ALL have trials and they do indeed make us stronger. You just need to keep hope and faith, instead of fear and doubt. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, and some day...it might be a while...but someday it will make more sense. Just remember we love and care for you! Really...lots of people care very much for you! :)
Kacey, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish I could say that I know how you feel but I really have no idea. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better or easier for you but there isn't. The best I can do is give you a great big hug. Keep your head up. Things will get better and as Heather said one day you will realize why this is happening.
Amen to everything said. You know I love you and know that I am always here for you. I can't wait to see your beautiful baby and to hold and cuddle him! He will be as handsome as your others. Can't wait to hang out in 2 days! YEA!!!!
i am actually really glad that you posted. because it sucks to be down and it really just sucks to feel like things, tho they aren't horrible are really sucky. i don't know where you are coming from exactly, because lets face it. i haven't had to pop out 3 baby boys. ha. but i do know what it feels like to be lost. i thought i found my prince charming, and i guess heavenly father has different plans for me. i might be 18 but i feel 30. the past 3 months wear hard on me sometimes but the way i see it is... well it sucks. but i can sit here and say well that it im stuck. or i can try my hardest. i choose the second one. it involves alot of mint chocolate chip ice cream but baby... thats what i will deal with later. :D i love you... and you can call and tell me how upset you are anytime. if ya want. if not. then ... well i still love you!!! :D
Oh Kac. I am so sorry. I totally feel for you. I know I have not been in your shoes, and my trials are very different from yours. But I know how it feels to not receive the blessings which you so strongly desire more than anything in the world. That is the story of my life.
But Kac I know that you are a wonderful mom and your cute boys love you. And I don't doubt that you love them as well despite how difficult it is for you to have boys rather than a cute little girl.
Just try to keep your head up. You are an amazing person and I love you to death!
I know it's hard, but try to remember the words that Elder Wirthlin spoke in that talk. He said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
We all have our trials, but we also have a merciful and loving Heavenly Father that loves us and knows what is best for us. If we can just remember to count our blessings, we can find peace in the midst of our challenges. I know you know this, I'm not trying to preach. I just want you to be happy. These are tough times and we can't always change our situations immediately, but we can change our attitudes toward them.
Love you, Pooh!
I just want to come over right now and give you a hug! Not that you would necessarily want one... Anyway, you go ahead and vent. Why should anyone be offended for your feelings? I hope I have a girl one day but we don't get to decide do we. You are one good looking pregnant woman! I know you don't feel it but you are! Several people have commented on that. You just say what you gotta say! Here for you...
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