July 27th.......

I am sure this day will leave much to be desired for the rest of my life, I hope not. I hope that I can one day just get through this day and have my brain actually function, and that I can wake up and be a normal human being on the inside.

One year ago today my life changed in an instant. I would like to write down what that day was like for me.

I spent the morning in Cedar with mom, and the boys, we were supposed to go to the movie but it was packed and we didn't get in. We went to the park instead and then to lunch. I had my client change her appointment to later that evening so I decided to stay at moms and head home to get Chris from work, since his car was in the shop, about 2:30 p.m.

About 1 dad came home to grab a quick bite to eat before heading out to show a very large piece of property, and luckily we were still there to see him. He greeted the boys with his usual "There's grandpas boys! Grandpa sure loves his boys!" I left about 30 minutes later, telling him I love him and to have a great time with mom over the next few days. I was so happy they were getting some much needed time together.

Fast forward two clients later and about 7 hours. I finished my last appointment and about 15 minutes later I got a call from Jaime telling me dad was missing and that we needed to pray for him. I knew at that point something was wrong, Dad doesn't go missing, he wasn't stupid. I of course didn't have a car because Chris was a school, and wasn't answering his phone. I knew I had to get out of here, I called my neighbor, who had just left my house, and they came to my rescue. Emily and her 4 kids came and sat at my house with my sleeping kids, and her husband drove me to the college to get Chris. I was a wreck! I couldn't help but think the worst, that's what I do, my mind always goes the unspeakable, even more now than ever.

Chris and I called Mikey and Bridgett to help, Mike helped in search efforts and Bridgett came and relieved Emily. It has never taken longer to get to New Harmony, the drive seemed like forever. We met at the house, I changed shoes, and headed to meet mom and the others out looking. I stayed with mom as Chris went out searching. I tried to stay upbeat and positive waiting for news, never saying it was even a possibility that he could be gone. We were soon informed that they wanted everyone out looking to come in and meet at the Kolob visitors center. Chris refused to come in, he and mike stayed out on foot, and continued on looking. The search and rescue sent out tons of people on four wheelers and about 45 minutes later the sheriff pulled mom and I aside. All I hear in my head now is the screams and sobs of my mom and of my sisters when I called and told them the news. And I couldn't even cry, I felt so heartless. I called and told Chris they found him and that I really needed him, and to please hurry.

I drove mom back home and everything was different. From then on nothing would ever be the same again. They instantly start asking what mortuary, and all these other things that never even crossed your mind. It was horrible! I stayed the night and Chris came home to the boys and would bring them up the next day so we could break the news. I didn't sleep but maybe 1 or 2 hours that night, I couldn't. The next day was sullen, we waited for Meg and Sarah to arrive. We went to the mortuary and saw him. I cant even explain that. I touched him, he was cold and hard. A man who never in my life was cold, and was the squishiest and most cuddly person in the world was now hard, cold, and lifeless.

The planning began, we had to "Cowboy Up" and get it done. There was no choice, it was hard, it was overwhelming, and broke my heart to have to ask my mom these questions so early in life. Picking out a plot, deciding what coffin, who to speak, who to sing, prayers, etc. Who thinks of that stuff. The cemetery seemed easy but there was lots of choices, we went to New Harmony and the choice was clear. There was the most beautiful rainbow over the Five Fingers of Kolob, his favorite selling point of the area, and we knew that was where. When it was almost time for the service, mom and Chris and the bishop got daddy dressed and I did his hair. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to, they had his hair combed the wrong way, and I just knew "his hair hurt".

From then on I felt like a robot all day, and would loose it when I got into bed at night. The services were beautiful, and so was the rest of the day. And everyday since has been hard, bearable, but hard. I still have a hard time believing that he really is gone, I know that I have seen his body, closed the casket, I haven't seen him in a year, I have seen the pictures from the accident scene, and I have touched his lifeless body. But in some deep down part of me I still cant believe it, I still want to call him, I want to walk into the house and see him sitting on the couch, or just see him sitting on his bed paying bills.

This year has taught me so much, it taught me empathy, it taught me to be grateful for 30 years, yes I would to have liked 60, but 30 is better than 14. It taught me to take pictures of the ones I love, and to be a better mom to the boys, and do more for them in their lives. It made me want to have Chris be my best friend, and to cherish what we have together.

Sure it has been hard, would I have ever chosen to go through this, not in a million years. But I have noticed so many blessings in this last year, and I hope that I can continue to notice those tender mercies in my life.

I love you Daddy! I miss you with all my heart but I cant wait to see you again. You were my hero, every girl needs a daddy like you! I am glad you were mine.